50 Thoughts Inside The Head Of A Special Needs Mother!

I had a dream last night. It was early morning because I woke up really scared and covered in a sweat. The dream was nasty and the worst part was I remember it distinctly. In the dream I was taking her for the therapy in our car and the road never ended. We were late, hungry and she was cranky! I was driving but somehow I wasn’t reaching anywhere. And then I woke up. I know it may not sound as scary to many parents but I am sure, all special needs parents would be able to identify the feeling.

The feeling of being late because of some last minute struggles, of not being able to find the right toy that your child would demand at the exact time that you are stepping out of the door. Their slowest walk to the car, the call from the therapy centre, the traffic, some bad drivers; but most of all the never-ending road where you are not sure if you are in the right direction. These challenges are real and I didn’t know why my subconscious wanted me to have that drive in my dreams! Since it was too early and I had some time before I could wake the children for school, I wanted to write all that was going in my mind that very second! I thought it would surely be at least 20 things that I was thinking at that very minute but I was wrong. I had way more to think and here is the list for all my fellow mothers to look and realise all that goes in the mind of a mom even when she doesn’t realise it all!

1. I need to wake them up in about an hour…hmm I’ll start in about 45 minutes so I wouldn’t have to bear the driver’s ‘oh you are late again look‘ yet again!
2. What would they have for breakfast? Porridge? She doesn’t like it! Cornflakes? He doesn’t like it. Stuffed paranthas..( 30 minute preparation) I don’t like it!
3. Need to go to her school tomorrow to discuss the IEP. I have to reach by 8:30 AM so I need to leave by 8 which means I have to get up at least at 5:30 to prepare the food and do everything else!
4. Need to take her to the park to observe ‘Saptaparni’ tree which is a part of the EVS syllabus.
5. Need to create/research/download new sheets for teaching place value.
6. Make her count loudly till 100 at least two times today. She still makes mistakes.
7. Will have to work on ‘k’ and ‘g’ sounds for at least 20 minutes! She is getting there and I think she should be able to say those sounds in next month or so! Happy 🙂
8. Her 40 plus sheets from school over the last fortnight didn’t find their own way to the right folder so I will have to segregate and put them in the right folder ( expected time taken 45 minutes)
9. Husband is coming after a week. Need to cook something nice! And What was that smell in the bathroom last night?
10. The laundry that needs to be done, the laundry that needs to be folded and the folded laundry that needs to be put up in cupboard can’t wait any longer!                                                                                 Also read special-needs-parents-here-is-your-answer-to-after-i-am-gone-worry
11. Her eye check up is due and an appointment needs to be taken. I hate that the doctor is on the other corner of the city which means at least 3 hours on the road. Will speak to him today!
12. Will have to speak to Aarshia in advance about going to the doctor ( may be show a video or last time’s pictures) so that she doesn’t throw the tantrums she did last time.
13. Oh God, she is already wearing 11 and 7 numbers in the eye. Please don’t make it any worse than this.
14. Speaking of doctors, her thyroid test will be due in the next week. Damn, I hate the blood test. poor girl!
15. She is looking so cute sleeping! I love her.
16. I am so selfish! I have another child who needs equal attention. He is going through teenage and I need to spend more time with him.
17. His exams are getting started I need to go to their school website to check the syllabus, date sheet and half a dozen other circulars. phew!
18. Would he love and care for her when my husband and I are gone?
19. I shouldn’t expect him to take care of her after us. Even if he is a sibling, he has his own life! true. But I would be happy if he does that. He is a good boy! Stop crying, woman!
20. Should I have a cup of tea before kids wake up?
21. Need to plan about this meet with 50 other parents in Goa! It will be so much fun!
22. I don’t have good clothes for Goa neither does my kids. We need to go shopping. May be Saturday!
23. Need to make Aarshia practice cat walk for the fashion show in Goa. Last night she looked more like a wrestler than a model! This girl has no girly bone in her body.
24. She has a speech therapy Saturday morning! Damn! Get up early again on the weekend and No shopping. May be Sunday!
25. She is putting on weight! I need to start monitoring her diet seriously now. She loves food but that’s not an excuse.  I will make some changes in her diet. Starting tomorrow! Today I will make something nice for her.
26. I am also putting on a lot of weight. I will have to start my 5000th diet.
27. No diet works on me! EVER!
28. The tea is ready! should I put some sugar? You are getting fat woman. Some sacrifice! What the hell, one teaspoonful would not make a big difference! Where was I again?
29. Aarshia needs to have some real friends! I wish she had one good friend.
30. What would she be when she grows up? She is pretty good in taking photographs. She can be a photographer or a teacher. She also likes to play. May be she can go in special Olympics.
31. I forgot, I had to read more about special olympics and how can she participate. Will go on their website TODAY.
32. Couldn’t speak to the two parents who called about their children with DS. Will have to call them TODAY.
33. The groceries and the fruits are finished. Need to order TODAY!
34. She is not eating much fruit lately. This is not good. Will have to be a little strict about this.
35. She is watching too much Doraemon these days. I need to restrict her screen time.
36. She couldn’t write simple words like ‘take’ or ‘swim’ yesterday! Is she regressing?
37. But she is getting better in badminton! Thank God my husband is interested in sports. What would I do without him.
38. I need to go to the parlour TODAY! My eyebrows have officially become unibrow!
39. I hope the maid comes TODAY! She has already taken 5 off this month! God please send her.
40. This mother on our Down syndrome WhatsApp group wrote about this great app and resource, I need to read about it TODAY before I forget again!
41. Thank God for all the support I get from other mothers!
42. I need to call my mother and father TODAY. They would think I am dead since I haven’t called them in 3 days! I am so blessed that they are there.
43. That mother on one of the special needs forum was mentioning about ‘antioxidants’ and how it can help our children greatly. Have to read about it TODAY! Let me put an alarm.
44. Had to make a vocabulary bank for her reception and expression skills, as asked by the school counsellor. It will take at least a few hours! I am glad the school is helping and understanding.
45. I think I will be able to read 8-10 pages of my book that I have forgotten I had started.
46. What time will the ‘Shark tank’ air? I need to put it on recording. I still have to watch the last 3 episodes.
47. If I too become a billionaire, I would start a place where all our children would be able to spend their time in the most fun way and there would be no fee. How will I even be a billionaire? I hate Kevin and that’s the reason I am not going in Shark tank.
48. What would I pitch? A Siri for special needs parents! something that can come out as per our wish and do a body massage or the dishes or the laundry or the driving. I mean we can decide then.
49. I am officially going crazy! Does everyone think all this or I am out of my mind! My husband thinks I think too much! Do I?
50. Both kids are looking so cute while sleeping! I love my life. Let’s wake them up.

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