We all mothers know this and have probably gone through it million of times. Picture it; you had a terrible day. The laundry is still not done! The sink is full (again!) The project or the home work of the little snow white still needs an hour or two, dinner time is approaching, the kiddos are cranky and you are out of your wits! So what do you do? I’ll tell you what most women do and you tell if you do any different.
Most of the women caught up in this kind of a bad day would find at least 10 more reasons to be all the more depressed or unhappy. Instead of figuring out how to control the situation, they would figure out how to feel bad about themselves even more. They would feel eternally guilty for ordering pizzas for dinner or for not telling that bed time story today! If they pass through the mirror, they would again tell themselves they are ‘fat’ and if they happen to open the cupboard, they throw their head back and convince their own selves, that they are not a good home manager or a mother! Yet again!
From the IEP not being followed, to him getting stubbed with that table, and him not yet being potty trained, everything seems to be your fault! You are the best critic of yourself and if there was an Oscar for the best critique in individual category for self criticism, rest assured, mothers of children with special needs would be getting it year after year.
Now we know the problem and we also know that the worst enemy of a special mother is her own self but what to do! How to get this ghost out of our system!
1. ‘You Are More Than The Sum Total Of Your Children, Your House And Your Husband’
You’ll have to chant this mantra at least 10 times when you feel inadequate! When you feel you are failing, remind yourself that perfection is a mirage. There is nobody who would do better than what you are doing in your circumstances and also that your self esteem is more important than the household chores. It is not easy to look after a child with special needs and you are doing it with the best of your abilities. Get over with that guilt of ordering the pizza or for not being able to clean. Stop equating your life and self worth with chores and other petty things and be proud of yourself!
2. Happiness Is Not A Mood. It’s An Acquired Life Skill
Stop beating yourself with everything bad happening around you; about you not being able to lose weight, about your kid still not being able to read or stand or talk, or about your home not being the best contender on pinterest ( as they say, you only see what you want to see). When you think about being happy, you are not after a mood change, you are after a life style, a choice, a skill and a state of mind and body. Understand that and then work towards it. If you have the tendency to keep feeling bad and get into that ‘I am not enough’ hole than nobody can help you. Happiness is a vibe which will change the atmosphere of the house. condition yourself to smile every time you look at the mirror. Force yourself to shirk your head whenever that gloomy cloud comes near. The trick is to ‘Fake it till you make it’.
3. Stop Comparing Now
Stop comparing to those other helicopter mothers on Facebook and Instagram who look eternally happy and blissful. Nobody is! At least you are more in touch with your true feelings and emotions then those who are always wearing a mask. And who knows, those mothers have other mothers to compare themselves to and feel bad about their life too. One thing that our little angels have taught us is to look at the uniqueness of every person. They are different for a reason and that theory applies to us all. even two children of same age with the same disability can be as different as chalk and cheese. So the easiest thing is to condition your mind into not comparing, which is difficult initially but once you condition your mind into seeing a red signal every time it’s getting on that road of self criticism, you’d eventually be able to keep a tab on it.
4. Break The Circle
It used to always happen with me. Whenever we used to go to somebody’s house and if their house was impeccably clean, I used to feel utterly useless and bad about my housekeeping skills; every time I used to hear ‘a great elaborate meal’ my friend had put on display on pinterest or instagram, I used to feel terrible about my ‘last week takeaway Chinese food’. Another child doing something my daughter had no clue about was enough to give me sleepless nights, but once I realised the circle it was forming, I tried to break it by always telling myself to say one good thing about me when I am praising the others. For example, I’ll tell my mind that while she is good with chicken but my deserts are equally good. Or she does have a spick and span house but her children are well grown up and she doesn’t also have a blog! Break the circle or self criticism and bestow some praise on yourself!
5. Stop Trying To Be In Control
You cannot! No one can! You are not running a business establishment with workers who can be fired for not doing enough. You are a mother and the CEO (chief encouragement officer) of children who have extra needs and probably a husband who needs equal pampering and sometimes a friendly listening too. And no matter how much you desire to be in control, the truth is, you cannot! You cannot control others, you can only control your reaction to others. Your children are not some little people who need to be put under control; they are children who should be taught on how to have a voice. So, sometimes, just let it flow, let it go, let it all run wild. Mostly the control is the illusion of control and if you feel trapped in that illusion, try to take an invigorating walk and get yourself distracted.
6. Have Friends, Make Friends, Watch ‘Friends’:
This is the magic mantra of a long lasting life. A good friend is like a counsellor who you don’t have to pay. Make new friends. The friendships made in the later years can be one of the best support system you’d ever have. Maintain old friendships, make new ones at the gym, park, online or with other special need mothers. And if you happen to still have some time left ( yeah right!) watch funny sitcoms! ‘Friends’, ‘How I met your mother’, ‘Sex and the city’ and ‘Desperate housewives’ are some of my favourites. Treat yourself well and once in a while take your mind off that depression you are running after!
You know the truth? We all know it. Deep inside, we already know what needs to be done and how to go about it. We already know when to count till 20 and what to do to take our mind off that huge rock of guilt. We also know that the only thing stopping us is our mind, and the fact that we let it rule us, ruin us into thinking that it knows better. Trust me it doesn’t! As Robin Sharma has rightly said, “Mind is a great servant but a terrible master’. Take control of your thoughts, your guilt, your emotions and your life.
